The Ten Stages Of Weight Loss

The past several months, I’ve been actively engaged in a battle to rid myself of a lifetime of excess tonnage. What possessed me to find the strength to reform at the age of forty-three? Well, I’m not sure; but I think there comes a time when the scales finally tip from the desire to enjoy food to the desire to be thinner, healthier, more active…more alive. For me, that tipping point arrived in the depths of self-loathing this past summer. I may not “know what you did last summer,” but I know what I did -- mostly avoid mirrors and beat myself up. I was a lot like Jim Carrey’s character in Liar Liar.

I am proud to say that I’ve met with a certain amount of success in this journey. My rotund body is starting to transform, a little at a time. As this happens, I’m beginning to realize that, just like there are five stages of grief, there are in fact, distinct “stages” to the weight loss process. I don’t mean physical, medical or even psychological stages. I’m referring to a number of social stages, expressed as a function of the perceptions and reactions of your casual acquaintances. Sounds very clinical, doesn’t it? You think I could make a Master’s thesis out of this?

With that, here are the Ten Stages of Weight Loss.

1. The Good Stage - In this stage, you’re just starting out. You’ve decided to lose weight and you’re determined to make it happen. When you tell people this they usually say something supportive like, “Well, good!”

2. The Great Stage - Now you’ve lost some pounds. When you tell people you’ve lost a number of pounds, they'll say, “That’s great!” But that’s all they say, because they don’t see a bit of difference in you.

3. The Patronizing Stage - This is a subtle progression from the great stage. Now, when you tell someone that you’ve lost a lot of weight they feel compelled to appear perceptive. They’ll turn their head sideways -- like a beagle -- look over your fat, and pronounce, “Yeah, you look like you’ve lost some weight.” They’re lying.

4. The Honest Agreement Stage - This is exactly like the patronizing stage, except they really do see a difference (if ever so slight) now and don’t have to lie anymore.

5. The Recognition Stage - Now we’re getting somewhere. You'll know that you’ve entered this stage, the first time a person walks up to you and says (without provocation), “Have you lost weight?” Oh what a glorious day that is! And I am so happy to say that I entered this very stage just today. My doctor walked in and asked the blessed question on first seeing me. It’s so much nicer than the days when he would walk in and ask me if I needed supplemental oxygen.

6. The Religious Experience Stage - This is where it really starts getting fun. When your casual acquaintances first lay eyes on you, their reaction is something like, “Oh My God! You have changed so much! Lord, how much weight have you lost?!”

7. The Big Chill Stage - This is where your not-so-close friends begin to give you a little bit of the cold shoulder. You’ve lost so much weight that you’re now thinner than they are, and you’re making them feel inferior. They secretly despise you for your cursed fortitude! They crave your precious willpower! They want to BE you…and they hate you for it! But other than that, they’re generally cheerful, pleasant and supportive.

8. The Oh Boy Stage - In this stage, women begin to throw themselves at you. They can’t control themselves. You’re getting more phone numbers than the men’s room at the bus depot. You’re a chick magnet…a rock star...perfection in the eyes of femininity the world over! At least…that’s what I keep telling myself down here in stage five. So?! Hey, we all need a little motivation now and then -- even if it is completely ridiculous.

9. The Metamorphic Stage - This is the end of the road. You’ve done it! You’ve now lost so much weight that, if you were to put on a pair of glasses, nobody would recognize you. For this reason, this is sometimes referred to as “The Superman Stage”.

10. The Good (Again) Stage - Now you’re relishing your victory. You’re celebrating by eating and drinking all the things in all the quantities that you had given up during your weight loss. You start to pack on the pounds again and people begin to notice. You know they can tell, so you feel compelled to say something positive like, “Yeah, guess I’ve kind of let myself go here a little bit. Gonna have to get back in the gym and work it off”. And with that, they nod their head, force a smile and reply, “Well…good!” At least they like you again now. They can once again look down on you and feel better about themselves. You’re a true inspiration.