On this Independence Day, I feel it's my patriotic duty to warn you, my fellow Americans, about an insidious danger...lurking in our own backyard.
A certain, previously friendly, population appears to be taking a militant stand against the peace loving citizens of America. I fear it could signal an attempted world take-over, ala Planet of the Apes. We should all be very afraid! To prove my theory, allow me to relate an incident, which took place in the summer of 2007.
Here's what went down early that morning:
As I casually strolled out onto the back deck, I suddenly became aware that I was not alone. About ten feet in front of me, under a large over-hanging tree, sitting among the ceramic bears and squirrels, was a REAL squirrel — usually, not a problem. However, this guy had allowed me to approach dangerously close, and he wasn't moving away. I slowly approached, expecting the timid little forest creature to scurry away, as they always do.
Not this one!
This guy jumped through the air at me like Hulk Hogan off the top rope, and landed on the deck railing, not five feet away. Then he raises the ante by jumping onto the deck chair right dagone next to me! I’m thinkin’ the next stop...is my face!
I backed off. He wasn't moving, so I backed off some more. At that, he leapt back to his original position on the wall.
I slowly tried to again approach him, not sure why. This time, I avoided eye contact while pretending to graze on nearby vegetation, per instructions of Animal Planet's Jeff Corwin.
He attacked again!
Again, he sailed through the air in a provocative advance to the chair…adjacent to my facial area. He had a mean look on his little face, and I was sure he fully intended to eat me. And I'm not talking about any cute little nibbling here either. I swear he had his beady little eyes fixed directly on my jugular!
I retreated toward the patio door. He reciprocated — returning to the wall. Now we had a standoff on our hands. I was not about to sink to the level of being forced inside by a glorified little yard rat! So we just sat there, staring at each other — each afraid to blink.
I decided to resort to measures, generally recommended for anyone in imminent danger of consumption by lions, or tigers, or bears...oh my! I made myself seem as wide, tall, and ferocious as possible. Now I figured, with my girth, I already had "wide" pretty well covered, so I went for tall. I waved my arms, clapped, and launched terrifying roars toward the little monster.
Thankfully, these drastic measures were effective. He gave me that tilted head look, like a bewildered puppy, as if to say, “What the hell is your problem?” He then scampered back up the trellis and into the tree.
Aww, I didn't want to have to get tough with the widdle fellow; but he left me no choice. No, I wasn’t the least bit frightened, for even a second. Hey, I always shake like that after too much coffee.
Since that day, it’s quite likely our neighbors think I’m a raving lunatic.
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